How to be Totally UNSUCCESSFUL at Attaining your Dream Body

Alright ladies, for those of you who have been wondering and waiting…..I present to you the steps you must take in order to NEVER acquire that dream body you have been so desperately yearning for. Do not ignore a step. I repeat: no step shall go unnoticed! Think of these as the “Ten Commandments for How to Fail at Living a Healthy Lifestyle.” ALL OF THESE are important keys to ensure you NEVER look good in a bikini. Enjoy. 🙂

1) Eat a cheat meal……….at every meal.


2) Get super motivated to get in shape. Tell all your friends and family that you’re FINALLY gonna do it; there’s no stopping you now. Proceed to go home and devour a donut.


3) Do one round of resistance training and tell yourself you suck. Then quit.


4) Scroll through Instagram and gawk at other girls’ perfect bodies. Tell yourself, “Self, you don’t have a chance.” Sigh and continue scrolling.


5) When a moment arises where you have to choose between a set of weights and the couch……well duh!  Choose the couch!


6) Push snooze instead of getting up to work out. Do that every day, always.


7) Skip meals, drink Slimfast and spend two hours on the elliptical every day. Constantly wonder why your body never changes. Never EVER do any research about what actually works. That’s not allowed.


8) On Sunday night, tell yourself you will start on Monday. Now go ahead and do that every Sunday for the rest of your life.


9) Start. Give up. Repeat.


10) Last but not least, complain and cry that you are too busy and that it’s too hard. Keep complaining until someone tells you to stop. Then continue to complain silently, in your head, until you are confident that your inner mean girl has won. Now continue to feed that inner mean girl those lies forevermore. She LOVES that. 🙂


And there you have it. I really hope that now you fully understand–in case you didn’t before–the ways in which you are guaranteed to fail at achieving your dream body.



(Ok, now in all seriousness, please do yourself a favor and go work out.) 😉



2 thoughts on “How to be Totally UNSUCCESSFUL at Attaining your Dream Body

  1. Jessica says:

    This is hilarious!!!!!! I absolutely adore your sense of humor xoxo


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